Mid-Week Ramblings

It is only Wednesday and yet I have found a few moments to blog tonight. This has been one of the slowest weeks of my life at work. We did manage to sell a few cars today, so tomorrow I may be busy, but today I helped Karen a little and did a crappy project for Kathy. It wasn't really crappy, just that I had to take all the old dealers license plates and put new insurance cards on them, and they were filthy! But I managed to get a lot done today.

One thing that really touches me is that people seem to really care that I am leaving there. I mean, not that they will be devastated or anything, but they act like they kind of liked me a little. I truly will miss you all.

Jon Katz spoke about "once in a lifetime dogs" in his book, "A Good Dog". Basically he said that there is that one dog in a persons life that is the special one, the once in a lifetime dog. Brandy was mine. Well, I have discovered that there is also such a thing as a "once in a lifetime friend" and I have found mine as well. This is a friend that you have so much in common with and can practically read one anothers minds. A friend that you feel you have known forever, even in past lives, and know you will know and love forever more. And that would be Karen. Now, I am not really sure if she feels the same about me, but my heart and soul tells me that she is that person to me. After looking so hard for true friendship and pretty much giving up on it after being let down so many times, and even though it is terrifying to admit , lest she not feel the same, I have to say that it is true. I pray that our friendship continues, even though we wont see each other every day, and that we will still become little old ladies tottering around together in 50 years or so. I hope she knows how much she means to me. You do, you know.

Well, I have a feeling I am going to be pretty emotional this week, and I really did not expect that. Of course, I can cry at a sneeze, I am that much of a softie, but I really didnt think leaving Northgate would touch me so much. I really am relieved to be moving on, but will really miss those special people. Good thing that I have this blog to air my emotions without censoring them. Its a great sounding board. P.S. Work seems to be so much easier and less stressful this week. I realize that I know all this stuff, and it is all coming to me so easily now. Go Figure!

Think I will go get a shower now and Criminal Minds comes on in a few minutes and I really like that show. So, I hope everyone is well and happy and may all your dearest dreams come true.

Reflections

Yesterday I was cooking breakfast and watching out the kitchen window into the backyard where Chip and Annie were playing. Chip was tossing the frisbee and Annie was chasing it. Then she would bring it back to him and he told her to sit and she sat down and dropped the frisbee at his feet. Genius!! How wonderfully smart my little girl is. I just watched and smiled, they were having such a ggod time. Then later that evening, we all went out and played. It was a nice day.

We also had a calf Friday. It was brand new so Chip didnt check it out too closely. We will try to get a look at it today. Today is the first day of fall and it is still in the 90's out there. Phew!We have to go to Dave's and pick up our corn shalks, and we are going to clean out the grain bin and get the barn ready to start feeding again. Lots of work to do and it's gonna be hot!!

I feel like a new person. After being sick for almost a month with allergies and sinus problems, I am finally on the mend. And if fall comes soon, the cold will kill all the pollen in the air and we will be able to breathe better. Still stuffy and gasping for breath, but not near as bad as a few weeks ago. Maybe now I will have more energy and be able to exercise more and lose some weight again. At least emotionally I feel better. Not that I was exactly in bad shape, just stressed with all the negativity going on around me. It is time to improve myself. Diet, exercise, increasing my knowledge and skills and working on my spirit. That's what its all about.

Not much more to say right now. I have a lot of chores to do. I guess I will have to give up the idea of a spotless house and a breathtaking garden, though. The puppy makes sure that I am constantly challenged, always picking up and cleaning. But I would not change that for the world. The love of a good dog is more important than a Good Housekeeping award.

Be good to one another and yourselves.

Countdown

This has been a crazy two days since I have given notice. I feel so elated and also sad at the same time. I will only really miss two people and that is Karen and Harry. Pam was also very nice to me, but since she works in a totally different department and I hardly ever see her, it won't be as difficult to say goodbye to her. At this point I am getting some feedback from people that I didn't really interact with a lot. Jeff from parts said he will hate to see me go. I know it is probably just polite talk, but it makes me feel good. And it will really be hard to leave Karen and Harry. But they will have each other and maybe they can stick together. They both are in the rut where they feel they are making so much money there ( not nearly enough for what they do though) and couldn't possibly make that amount somewhere else. So they are basically stuck there. I know from experience that that is not true. But I have always been willing and able to take a pay cut in order to get a better opportunity ( even if it meant not working at all to escape a bad situation). I have been blessed for that. Chip has been so understanding and supportive of my work life. And again he encouraged me to "go for it".

I have learned a lot at Northgate. A whole new system of accounting, and how to process car deals and titles. I have become a notary. Karen made me feel great today when she said that I have learned faster than anyone she has known in that position, even people who had some experience already. Thats a true friend, who will compliment you. I have also learned a lot about human psychology. There are some real lulu's there. Freud would have a field day. Ah, the nature of the beast. I thought the ego's at the bank were bad, but car salesmen are really primitive in their personalities.

Now I am beginning a whole new adventure. I am really looking forward to this new challenge. I will be learning about a whole new business, new rules and regulations and standards of operation. The court systems are interesting anyway, but to be at the heart of all the action will be a lot of fun. And it is fairly altruistic work. I will be helping people in some ways. Yes, I am really excited. But I will truly miss my dear friend, Karen. I know that I will keep up our friendship, and hope she does the same. I have never felt so close to anyone before. It is scary to admit that to myself, because of my history of betrayal by "friends", but if you dont open your heart and give people a chance, you will never know. I gave Sally a chance also. And maybe that didn't work out so well, but I did my part and can look in the mirror and say that I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and if she didn't rise to the occasion, then that is her problem and not mine. I am proud of myself for being big enough to include her and befriend her. Two faced and back stabbing? Maybe. But she didn't really cause me too much grief that I know of, and if she tried, then that is her bad Karma to overcome.

This week I came to the realization that some of the people there are actually my teachers. Stephanie has been a challenge. A sweet giving person, but a horrible work ethic, and not very charitable to others feelings. How frustrated I have become over her shoddy workmanship. And then the epiphany. She is there to teach me patience and acceptance, to not judge others but to mind my own business and to concentrate on my own shortcomings. I know that this is hard for a lot of people to understand, but I feel like a better person for coming to realize these things. Another thing is that Sally said something to the effect of,"well what kind of qualifications do you need to get that job?" and intimated that I was not qualified for it with my background. ( which of course she knows nothing of. No one there knows all the things I have done and the experience I have. I have done far more in my life than most of them.) Karen got really upset on my behalf, which I appreciate. But if I don't let Sally's dig hurt me, then it can't hurt me. I just let it go and chalked it up to her problem, not mine. Obviously I have what they are looking for , because I got the job. But I dont have to explain myself to anyone, or prove myself to anyone. I know full and well what I am capable of, and instead of sitting there and complaining about how bad things are, I went out and did something about it. I am darn proud of myself. That place was really dragging me down. It is better to be a mystery.

So I am getting back to my old spiritual self again. I am trying to shed all those frustrated and unhappy feelings from Northgate. Yeah, I do give people too much credit too soon, but I am a good person and I feel good about how I treat others. I guess I need to get a thicker skin and be a little more suspicous of people before I let them into my world, but every person has a lesson to offer. This place was nowhere near as bad as the bank, and the people, while annoying and pathetic, are nowhere near as dangerous and cruel as at the bank. I think I am gaining wisdom. And that, my friends, is one of the reasons we are here.

So follow along on my adventure, see it through my eyes. And please, share with me any advice you care to offer. I still have a lot to learn :)

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

Whew! Now I can finally talk about it. A few weeks back I went on a job interview for a great job for the county courthouse. My interviewer spoke of how important the position was and how they were looking for "the cream of the crop". I felt it was a good interview and that she and I hit it off really well. She has the same visions as I do about customer service, procedures, and cross training to ensure a well rounded, successful and confident employee. I was told that it would take about a month to choose the person, and they would let me know one way or the other. So I have been holding my breath for two weeks, hoping that I would get the job. Then she left a message for me on Friday night saying she wanted to meet with me again and to make an appointment to see her. I was so excited!!! But I had to wait all weekend to call on Monday, and I could barely contain myself. When I called, I found that she was very booked with appointments and I was disappointed because I thought that perhaps they were re-interviewing lots of people and that, while I may be closer to the job, maybe not. Of course Chip said "what, you think she doesn't have anything else to do but meet with you? Off course she will be busy, that doesn't mean you wont get the job." Jokingly of course. And he reminded me that I have no control as to whether they choose me or not, so I was really nervous. Well, when I got there on Wednesday (yesterday) she said there were still some papers that needed to be filled out and I thought, "oh, just some extra stuff, and I still wont know anything" but then she said she wanted to offer me the position!!! I almost jumped out of my chair. This is such a great opportunity for me. I will be working only 35 hours a week, and making as much as I was at the dealership working 40 hours. Plus the benefits are fantastic and the opportunity for advancement is great. This is a career.

Today I gave my resignation, and Kathy flipped out on me. But she gained control and Pete didnt freak out at all, so I guess I am staying until month end. Now if they decide to get crappy with me for some reason, we will rethink that.

My only regret is leaving Karen and Harry. But I will never leave Karen behind. She will always be my friend and I will do my best to keep in touch. Maybe we can grow even closer this way because we wont see each other all day every day. Karen will be moving on herself soon anyway and truly I was wondering what I was going to do without her. So this way we will both be in better situations. I want her to be happy, as she has had some tough times here lately.

Karen, whoever they hire to take my place will not like burps. They will not papaya. That is ours. And maybe there will be a great position open for you there too and we can work together again. BURRRRPPPPP!!

Ah, I am so giddy. It was kind of a bummer today because people were mad at me for quitting. But some of them were happy for me. And hey, you all know how I have been looking for my purpose and looking for meaningful work. THis is great for me and I deserve it. After all the crappy jobs I have been through lately with really bad management , I deserve to settle into a career and be happy. Dont poo on my parade people.

More later. Jon, God speed and follow your heart. Take advantage of this opportunity and enjoy every minute of it. Pat, safe trip and lots of fun and joy for you and Helen. Give him a hug for me. Karen, I love you, my friend. Raka, hope you are well sorry you lost your money. I miss you.

Before you act or speak, think " will what I am about to do bring me peace?" Be kind to one another.

Blessings

What Would You Do...?

What would you do if you had the nerve? Would you take on some fantastic adventure? If you had unlimited financial resources and time, what would you choose to do with it? Jon has left on his adventure to ride his motorcycle across country and said he will keep going until he runs out of money. Way to go Jon! Safe trip and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I think I would go in search of Ron Perlman, of course. Try to get into a movie or something. I am fairly fearless when it comes to adventures- I will take on any kind of dare, just to prove to myself that I can do it. How many crazy horses have I ridden and tamed. And remember when I was the bait to get Ringeye into the cattle chute? This time last year, I was ready to get up and go. Run. Escape. Not from my wonderful husband, of course, but from my boredom and feelings of uselessness. I have learned a lot since then.

Reflecting back, losing Brandy was so hard for me. But I was glad that she left on her own terms, and that we got the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to us. I remember holding her paw and telling her what a great friend she was, and how she seemed to understand what I was saying. I have no regrets there. And now with Annie, there is the joy and wonder of living life all over again.

I think we get to a point where we get stuck in the familiar, in our comfprt zones, and are unaware that there is so much more out there. Or we are unwilling to shake things up and change. On one hand, I am a creature of habit and am most comfortable if everything is in its place and in order. But there is another part of me that thrives on adventure and new beginnings. For example, at the beginning of this year, I felt the change in my heart and soul, and knew that I was evolving into a new person. That I was discarding thoughts and feelings that had haunted me for a long time, and opening up to all the new wonderful possibilities out there. I find that I have fallen back into the old proverbial rut somewhat, but I am aware of that, and willing to do something about it. Change is in the air my friends. Just keep your fingers crossed for me and send me your best wishes. I need to get back on the ball and start working out and exercising and remove some stagnant feelings. The pull to escape the "same old" started a couple of weeks ago, after I realized I was getting burned out. I got my hair cut real short and got lots of complients. We got high speed internet (finally!). We got a new phone with an answering machine that actually works. Annie joined our family. And my soul has been calling out for some real quality "food". Now, if things just fall into place, I may just find myself right where I belong. Life is an adventure, my friends.

One of my friends is going on an adventure of her own, and I cant wait to get the details of that. Have a wonderful time and a safe trip, and I hope you get to do all the things you want to do.

Its getting dark and the wind is blowing. The curtains are billowing and flapping and it certainly feels like fall is on its way. Very welcome after such a brutal summer. I think I will close here and go for a quick walk in the woods.

Peace to all.

Rain!!

Well, it is finally raining. Blessed, blessed, rain. We have been waiting for this moment for a long long time. Last night the beautiful wet drops began, at times it rained quite hard. Then throughout the night it continued and into the morning. I went out to get the newspaper and it was wonderfully silent, as a rainy Sunday morning should be. I felt the cool misty rain caressing my skin, and the only sound was that of the raindrops spattering on the leaves of the trees. The cows are standing right outside my window and are visibly relieved. It must feel wonderful to be bathed in the cool mist after being baked in the sun and dust for the last two months. Such a relief.

By the time fall comes around, I am usually ready to embrace it with open arms. But never so much as this year, after the months of 90 degree weather and drought. I so look forward to the cool crispness in the air and the beautiful colors of the fall season. Of course this year there will be few colorful displays from the trees, as the heat and drought has all but exhausted them,their leaves already crisp and brown. It is such a joy to walk in the woods in the fall and hear the crunch of leaves underfoot, to search for the nuts that the squirrels have not yet discovered. Finally, it feels as if relief from the weather is here.

Saturday was a wonderful day. We went to Sunman and were pleasantly surprised with the quality and amount of the hay in the field. We could actually get a second cutting if we want to go out there. Afterwards we just drove around the back roads looking for some farmland for sale and exploring the neighborhood. Then we went to lunch and shopping(!). Chip bought me a cute sweater for around the house. Then home to relax. It was a really nice day. Now today is raining so perhaps we can hang out and watch a movie. I still have to watch the second season of Magnificent Seven. Can't believe that I havent watched every episode a thousand times yet. But the dvd's that Pat sent me have kept me busy. The day they came in the mail, Chip and I watched 6 hours of Ron Perlman! Together! How cool is that!

Even though it is raining and everyone is relieved, it is very humid out there. I am sitting here sweating. Probably after I have finished blogging, I will finish cleaning the house and then take a cool shower.

Oh, I forgot to write about my purple hair. Well, its really auburn, I guess, but it sure looks purple to me. Karen and I went shopping for some dye, and she picked out the color for me. I thought it would be pretty too, but once it was on it was a real shocker. Oh well, it's fun and I like being adventurous. Now that I am 40, I might as well have some fun. I am thinking of getting my belly button pierced, too. Not positive about that one yet. Perhaps after I have accomplished some of the other things on my list.

Can't say enough about how wonderful yesterday was. It was just a really great day. And I have a couple of books that I am looking forward to reading that may give me some new ideas for my search for purpose. I really, really want to work somewhere where I feel like I am helping people.

Karen is at a craft show and I hope she is selling lots of stuff and getting her name out there, so when she and her sister-in-law open their business, lots of people will go there.

I am going to try Yahoo again and see if Raka is online for a chat. It hasn't been working lately and I processed an update so maybe now I will get my messages.

Also, think I will go for a walk in the wet woods today. It is wonderful to come home from bing out in the rain and get dry and cozy and settle in with a cup of tea and a good book.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Musings

Ho Hum.. You know, when you cease to care, it's time to move on. Sometimes you just need to tell yourself that things are just not worth the drama and pain. I enjoy my work to some extent, and if I were left alone to do it and had no real problems, I would be fairly fulfilled. But I realize that there is no future there for me. I am not really conrtibuting anything to the community or doing anything altruistic there. The people are driving me nuts. There is so much negativity going on there and so many people with poor work ethics, that the morale is down the toilet. Much as I try to be upbeat and not allow the situation to bother me, I find myself constantly being dragged down with the rest of them. Aughhhh. When will I find meaningful, fulfilling, fun work? Don't I deserve to be happy and respected at work? Purpose, where is my purpose? I barely have the time to think any more, I am getting home so late and am so tired every day. I need time to relax and think, to walk and commune with nature.

A local farmer called tonight to let us know he would reserve some corn shalk bales for us. THe cows like them and since hay is quite scarce, we will take what we can get. If it means getting through the winter, I am willing to buy as many as we need. Its about time to sell the calves too and that will be a load off.

Annie is growing like crazy. She is almost as big as Whitey now and had mastered the going outside to potty thing and is getting along well with Kiki now. But she still is doing the biting thing and we have the scars to prove it. She is a smart girl, but she needs to settle down some. Maybe tomorrow I will take her out and play with her in the back yard. She is still too little to really get the concept of sit and down, but she understands fetch. When the kids came over last Sunday, she played soccer with them and had a real ball ( pun intended). I love to see her growing and learning and enjoying life. Bran still comes to mind and the ache is still there, but I feel her presence more strongly than ever and wonder....

Raka's birthday was yesterday. 20 years old now! She is exactly half as old as me. UGH! I remember 20. Honestly, life just gets better with each passing year. You just have to know how to take it and learn from it and enjoy it and gain wisdom. I had a really bad year last year, and don't ever want to revisit that again, but I learned a lot about myself through that darkness, and have grown from it. And of course, the year before with the bank. I got through that. That's why this blog is so important to me. I can follow my progress through the posts and see how I have grown. Friends have been an important part of my life for the last few months, I had actually begun to feel as if I belonged. Always a loner, I was skeptical of friendships, having never really found one that was true and complete. It is so hard to trust again, to put aside the fear of being betrayed and hurt. I have learned a lot over the last few months.

My dad is doing so much better. Back from the hospital and looking pretty good. I worry that he will try to do too much. We offer to do anything they need us to do, but I know that they hesitate to ask for help because 1) they are proud and don't want to admit they need help, and 2) they know how busy we are and that we are constantly working on some project or another trying to keep our heads above water. We just have to keep a close eye on them and be sure that they don't over do it.

Looking forward to the weekend. I will clean up the house tomorrow and maybe take a walk with the puppy. I got some books from the library and was hoping we would get a thunderstorm so I could sit on the patio and read. Well, whatever. But I am going to relax some.

Its getting late and I am a bit sore. My back has been hurting all week and I have this miserable cough that wont go away. Maybe I will crawl into bed and read for a while.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Raka. Wishing all of your dreams come true.

Goodnight everyone. Love one another, and yourselves.

Wacky Weekend

Yes, it certainly was, and we still have another day to go due to the Labor Day Holiday.
Prudy, Mike and the kids came over last night and it was total chaos. I did nothing but chase children and puppy all over the house doing damage control. Mason was particularly interested in my antique apothacary bottle collection and the lazy susan cabinet with the bottles of liquer. He kept grabbing a Seagrams bottle and pulling it out of the cabinet and I would have to leap up and grab it before he dropped it on his feet and broke it all over the place. Plus everything, and I mean everything went into his mouth. Dog food, dog toys, crayons, nick knacks, tv remote, etc. Then of course he tried to jam his chicken nugget into the vcr. I knew there was a reason I didn't have children. I was so exhausted that I couldn't see straight.

My Dad is doing better and they are talking about releasing him from the hospital today after his dialysis. His blood counts are coming back up to close to normal and he is feeling much better. When I saw him he looked pretty good and seemed to be in great spirits, so I am very thankful for that.

Lots more to say but I need to go and fix breakfast.

Love