Musings

Ho Hum.. You know, when you cease to care, it's time to move on. Sometimes you just need to tell yourself that things are just not worth the drama and pain. I enjoy my work to some extent, and if I were left alone to do it and had no real problems, I would be fairly fulfilled. But I realize that there is no future there for me. I am not really conrtibuting anything to the community or doing anything altruistic there. The people are driving me nuts. There is so much negativity going on there and so many people with poor work ethics, that the morale is down the toilet. Much as I try to be upbeat and not allow the situation to bother me, I find myself constantly being dragged down with the rest of them. Aughhhh. When will I find meaningful, fulfilling, fun work? Don't I deserve to be happy and respected at work? Purpose, where is my purpose? I barely have the time to think any more, I am getting home so late and am so tired every day. I need time to relax and think, to walk and commune with nature.

A local farmer called tonight to let us know he would reserve some corn shalk bales for us. THe cows like them and since hay is quite scarce, we will take what we can get. If it means getting through the winter, I am willing to buy as many as we need. Its about time to sell the calves too and that will be a load off.

Annie is growing like crazy. She is almost as big as Whitey now and had mastered the going outside to potty thing and is getting along well with Kiki now. But she still is doing the biting thing and we have the scars to prove it. She is a smart girl, but she needs to settle down some. Maybe tomorrow I will take her out and play with her in the back yard. She is still too little to really get the concept of sit and down, but she understands fetch. When the kids came over last Sunday, she played soccer with them and had a real ball ( pun intended). I love to see her growing and learning and enjoying life. Bran still comes to mind and the ache is still there, but I feel her presence more strongly than ever and wonder....

Raka's birthday was yesterday. 20 years old now! She is exactly half as old as me. UGH! I remember 20. Honestly, life just gets better with each passing year. You just have to know how to take it and learn from it and enjoy it and gain wisdom. I had a really bad year last year, and don't ever want to revisit that again, but I learned a lot about myself through that darkness, and have grown from it. And of course, the year before with the bank. I got through that. That's why this blog is so important to me. I can follow my progress through the posts and see how I have grown. Friends have been an important part of my life for the last few months, I had actually begun to feel as if I belonged. Always a loner, I was skeptical of friendships, having never really found one that was true and complete. It is so hard to trust again, to put aside the fear of being betrayed and hurt. I have learned a lot over the last few months.

My dad is doing so much better. Back from the hospital and looking pretty good. I worry that he will try to do too much. We offer to do anything they need us to do, but I know that they hesitate to ask for help because 1) they are proud and don't want to admit they need help, and 2) they know how busy we are and that we are constantly working on some project or another trying to keep our heads above water. We just have to keep a close eye on them and be sure that they don't over do it.

Looking forward to the weekend. I will clean up the house tomorrow and maybe take a walk with the puppy. I got some books from the library and was hoping we would get a thunderstorm so I could sit on the patio and read. Well, whatever. But I am going to relax some.

Its getting late and I am a bit sore. My back has been hurting all week and I have this miserable cough that wont go away. Maybe I will crawl into bed and read for a while.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Raka. Wishing all of your dreams come true.

Goodnight everyone. Love one another, and yourselves.