Terrible, Horrible Day

Yes, it sounds like the title of some funny little kids book, but this has truly been one of the worst days of my life. I have not felt this bad and depressed in a long time and it has really got me down. Ruthie has died finally. After 3 days of wondering if she would survive and hoping, and trying so hard to help her, she has moved on. And tonight, while prepared for her death, we were not prepared to find Clara in much the same condition. She was laying in the mud, stuck, next to Ruth's lifeless body. What now? We got a rope around her and pulled her out of the mud, but we had to flip her to her other side to try to free her ( she weighs about 1/2 ton ) and then had to flip her back because we couldnt move her the other way. Then we got the rope around her two fromt legs and pulled her from the muck onto dry ground. Chip pulled with the tractor and I tried to hold her head up off the ground as we moved. We freed her and I stayed with her while Chip went for hay and she tried to get up but her front legs were sore. We got her some feed and by the time she was done eating she was able to stand again, so it is up to her to walk out of there and keep on going.

Trouble is , I dont know if I have the strength to keep going right now. I know I sound weak, but this is how I truly feel. Work today was entirely frustrating and stressful. My emerald ring broke. The toilet and bathtub are not working well. The vacuum is not working. All the light bulbs are burning out at once. We have been sick, the dogs have been sick. The cows are dying. I feel so out of control. I just dont have the strength to keep going. It is like being stuck in the mud ourselves and every time we try to get out, someone puts their foot on our head and pushes us down further.

I am so glad that Chip and I have each other. And also Karen. There are only three people in this whole world that I can pour my heart out to and trust with that: Chip, Karen and Raka. I miss Raka.

This is one of those days where I am really tempted to just bolt and run. Get in the car with the clothes on my back and go. Does anyone love me? Does anyone care?? Has someone placed some kind of curse on me? What have I done that would cause me to deserve such treatment? I have always tried to be a good person and live with love and kindness. I would never, ever deliberately try to hurt anyone, for any reason. All I want is to be happy and to make others happy and to live a peaceful life. I know that some people have it really rough, and that I really dont have any excuse to complain, but I am really down right now, and things just dont look brighter at this moment. I can see how people can be suicidal. What an awful, dark place it is.

So, in my gloom I am going to curl up under a blanket and cry. I know that tears are not going to change anything, not going to solve anything. You may think I am weak and childish. But I have no strength left to fight any longer. Rather than resist and push, it is time to relinquish power and just allow. Yeah, I have been reading Wayne Dyer.

So dear people, may the Universe bless you all with happiness and health and good fortune. And if possible, put in a good word for me would you?