Why I Blog

What to do? To blog or be outside, walking the place, becoming grounded, one with nature. I chose to walk. I have come to a point in my life where I realize that time is finite. Though I do believe that we experience many, many lifetimes in our quest for perfection and wisdom, this is the one that I am blessed with at this time and I must make the most of it for I am truly blessed.

And now I can also see that with my work being so much less stressful, I can focus my energy on things I am truly passionate about, such as:

getting more organized- in many areas
getting the yard in shape
working on remodeling the kitchen and bath
my needlepoint of Bran
gathering and trying healthy recipes and foods
learning a new hobby
getting more Ron Perlman-"ized"
doing some of the things on my list
spending more quality time with Chip

Yes, this is the first time in my life that I am able to (wisely) see that work is work and my life is my own. I can free my mind from the shackles that held it prisoner for so many years and channel that energy into worthwile efforts.

Right now I am sitting on a rock by the creek that actually now has water in it ( a little) and writing this while watching the cows and calves. Most are at the feeder eating corn shalks. THe rest, laying around and chewing their cud. The sky is that perfect blue, with a few big, fluffy white clouds. The sun is reflecting off the big sycamore tree, creating a glow unrivaled by any man made scene. Yet it looks so surreal. My back is warmed by the sun, while a grove of trees on the other side of the creek casts a calming shade. Yesterday's newborn calf is bawling to her mother. The breeze is a bit cool, leaves wafting upon it and settling at my feet- red, yellow, brown and neon green. Beauty!

I am recounting this because it is aso perfect a day and I want to remember it as it is. This is why I blog. To remember, to learn, to share.

Friends have come and gone along the way. Some have stuck, and more are to come. I am blessed for all of them. Each has taught mesomething. I hope to continue the relationship with some, growing closer, learning and teaching.

At this moment it is more important to be sitting here quietly, soaking in the beauty that is. The dishes, laundry and other chores will still be there later. But this moment is now.

If I look back to the first posts in this blog, I can see how I have grown and evolved. This is why I blog. I see that at the beginning of this year I was feeling better, more in control, looking forward to things, losing weight :) I lost a bit of ground when I went to work at Northgate- becoming immersed in the drama that they were shoving down my throat. But I feel my spirit returning. I pray for the guidance to make life the best it can be for myself and those I love, and pray that we all enjoy so many, many many more wonderful days.

Peace, love and wisdom to all!!

What?

Seems like forever since I have blogged, even though its only been a week. Sometimes it is so hard to come up with something to say, and others, there is so much to share.

Work is going well to some extent. I am friendly with the security officers, judges and baliffs and all of my coworkers. It just seems like I am looking for a connection with them, like I had with Karen. I became so used to being so comfortable with someone, and now I am starting all over again. But thats ok, because Karen is, and always will be, special.

Sometimes I find myself fretting over the question of "will I EVER get this??". There is so much to learn and it seems overwhelming sometimes. Well, first- of course it is overwhelming! It should be at this point. After all, I have been there for two weeks for goodness sake. And the things I have learned are now easy for me. It is mainly just putting everything together in the process from beginning to end and knowing the system, and there is still lots of time for that. Jennifer is certainly not putting any pressure on me to learn any quicker than I already am. Remember, I learned the system at Northgate even though I had my doubts. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Lets reflect on all the accomplishments I have made in the last few years:

Become a tax professional
learned Peachtree and Quicken
Learned Bank systems
Got my Master in Microsoft
learned Northgates system
Learned to drive a stick

Um, I am sure there are more that I am not remembering, but you get the point. I am doing this to remind myself that I am not an idiot and I can and will pick up on any new things I set out to learn.

Things are so much less stressful lately. While I miss Karen, I dont miss the crap of Northgate. And this new job really interesting. You know what? I am boring myself! I am just going on and on about the same old stuff. Just goes to show that I am settling in and dont have ( or want) any drama.

Well, not much else on my mind tonight and my back is sore so I think I will go get a hot shower and snuggle in with a magazine. I really wish Annie would get to the point where she would snuggle with us. We all went for a walk last night and it was really enjoyable.

Night, all.

People

Where do some of these people come from? How can people live the way they do and in the awful conditions that they have? Is it lack of education and social status that causes some to falter? Why do some people, even growing up in adverse conditions, rise above and succeed and others allow themselves to become victims and fail? I have experienced a lot of such people in the past week. It is sad to say the least. I understand that if a person is physically or mentally disabled, they may not be able to excel in certain areas, but have personally known some who have nonetheless given it their all and striven for success. So why would an able bodied person refuse to be responsible and work and support themselves and their families? Sad to say the least. I do not sense hopelesness from these people, but rather a total lack of concern for anything. Well, lets hope that they eventually realize their shortcomings and become productive citizens.

There are other people who are incredibly giving and kind. They have no sense of cynacism at all. These people are at peace with themselves. Good way to be. Give, rather than take, love rather than hate, bless rather than curse. We should all learn a lesson from these people.

I have escaped a very negative environment, one where I felt myself being pulled under and almost unable to surface. The people choose to complain and argue rather than to band together and make life better. Really, I shouldn't care now that I have moved on, but there are two people that remain that I hope will find the patience and strength to overcome this place. Just hang in there guys and be patient.

I dont feel that this post is really going anywhere. I guess I am tired and have other things on my mind, namely showering and relaxing. Work went well this week. There was only one point where I felt a little overwhelmed and as if "I will never get this". The week went really fast too. I am learning bit by bit, and as with everything, will catch on as I get more confident and proficient.

The computer guy was putting us in the system yesterday and we all started talking about movies and their sequals and how they dont even watch them because they are never as good as the originals. I said that I hoped that Hellboy II would be just as good and mentioned that they were filming right now. The guy said, "oh, I like Ron Perlman, I cant wait till that movie comes out." I almost died. So we started this conversation about Ron and it felt really great to know that someone else knows what I am talking about. That was fun.

Well, my back is telling me that I must go and relax. Now that it is getting cooler and the days are getting shorter, I am getting very tired and sleepy at night. I could crawl into bed right now actually. Hmmm... I bet this post has already had that effect on some of you, too. :) Ok, Ok time for Cindy to sign off for now. People, take care and be kind to one another, you never know but you may make a big difference in someone's life.

Love to all

A Letter To Annie

Dear Annie,
Happy two month anniversary!
It is so hard to believe that you have been with us for two whole months already. My how you have grown. I remember when Paula put you in my arms when we went to pick you up and you licked my face. Then I knew that we were a family. And how tiny you were. And how excited you were when we got in the car and drove home, first going to Northgate to introduce you to aunt Karen. Such a small little bundle of fur and needle teeth and nails, black nose and eyes, the perfect example of joie de vivre. When we got you home, the first thing you did was go potty and we were so excited and we lavished you with praise. In return, you were equally happy and I knew you were a real smart pup. Also, when we went to Petsmart to get your things, you fell asleep in the shopping cart, just this teeny tiny little ball of fur. You looked like a toy.

And here we are two months later and you have grown at least 5 times the size you were. Amazing. How fun it is to watch you grow and mature. You are quite a handful at the moment, but we can see you learning and understanding. You dont use your teeth quite as often, to the relief of our sensitive and bruised skin. You are still a napkin stealer. You still have to learn boundaries and to respect other peoples food and belongings. But you are coming along quite nicely, and I have to admit that you have quite the personality there.

We went for a walk this morning before breakfast. Rusty was whinnying up a storm and I knew that something was going on so we all hiked down to the farm to see what was going on. When we got to where Rusty was, all by himself and pacing in a frenzy because he couldn't figure out how to get around the gate to the others, you were smart and stayed close by me. After I got Russ through the gate and he galloped on his way, you relaxed a little, ready to continue your exploration of this new place. We went back to the barn where Chip ( daddy) was waiting for us and then followed us back to the house. When Rusty came charging back toward us, you very smartly hid between Chip's legs. Smart girl! So you are learning. I think we all enjoyed our walk.

Now you are sleepy and playing with your toys. Such a good girl you are when you are tired.
Ah, yes. I love you with all my heart, and even on those occasions when you are behaving terribly and I ask myself " are you sure you wanted a puppy?" the answer is always a resounding "YES!"

A Letter To Karen

Dear Karen: It is lunchtime and I have decided to go outside and sit and take in the city. I found a nice spot by a statue, next to a young tree that throws just enough shade to make it comfortable in the unseasonable heat that we are having. I have brought lunch ( a pickle loaf sandwich, chips, yogurt and diet ginger ale) and a book, and have settled in for a nice read. The traffic is going by noisily, lots of beeps and roaring engines. A train blows its whistle as it passes close by. I am constantly looking up as strange people pass. And by strange I mean both people whom I have never met and really wierd people. :) It is a little uncomfortable, and hard to let my guard down as they all pass, but no one seems to mean any harm, and they all respect my space. The words on the page are interesting, but my thoughts are scattered, its hard to concentrate. I recognize a girl from my department, whose name is Cindy also and we wave to one another and she strolls over to say hello. She asks how I am doing and if I like it so far and I say yes, that it is very interesting, but I am looking forward to actually getting my own space and being able to do some real work of my own.I still feel out of sorts, as if I am intruding on their work spaces, as one has not yet been assigned to me. They are nice people, yet I dont feel the warmth and welcome that you had extended to me when I first came to Northgate. Cindy has to leave as her lunch break is up and again I am alone with my thoughts. The day is not yet too warm, even though it is noon, and my little tree is keeping me cool in its shade. I think about how nice it would be for you to work here, too. The benefits are tremendous, really. We do not get Monday off for Columbus day, because instead they are going to observe that day on the day after Thanksgiving. Woo Hoo. I wonder if you think about me. Have you burped out loud much? Is Stephanie behaving? Has the new girl started? I hope you give the new girl a chance. I am hoping, of course, that you do not like her as well as me, but that you get along well and that she will try to help you out as much as she can, like I did. I hope that she is a good worker and easy to get along with. But please don't forget about me :)

Time to go back. I throw all my trash in the can beside me and scurry through the door and up the escalator. Throw my purse onto the conveyer that goes through the xray machine and step through the metal detector. The officer gives me a hopeful look, and I smirk back at him as "Beep Beep Beep" I set the alarms off. I have yet to get through the detector without setting it off. He sighs and comes at me with the wand and I dutifully spread my arms and legs and let him "wand" me. "Darn, I thought you'd make it this time" he says playfully. "Are you taking a lot of iron supplements or something?" Nope. Just magnetic I guess. I swear I could go through the thing naked and still set it off. Hmmm.....

So I am thinking about all of the new things I have done and learned in the past few years. Quite a lot, actually. This is nothing different, just a new set of things to learn and master. I want to be the best darn Case Manager they ever saw.

Annie continues to grow and is now about an inch taller than Whitey. Shadow is looking for you to come over and ride, and Rusty is looking for some carrots. He says that it has been such a long time since he has eaten a spree that he had forgotten what they are, but he appreciated your getting them for him and cant wait to get some more.

So I think you are going to the farm this weekend. Hope you have fun and get lots done. Know that I am thinking about you and cant wait till you can come over again. I am looking at my scrapbook right now and looking forward to us working on it and our bracelets.

Do take care, my friend.

Love Cindy

Wonderful Weekend

The weekend was great! First, Chip took me shopping on Saturday to get some new clothes for my new job, and then we went home and watched some movies and relaxed the rest of the day. On Sunday, Karen came over and we took a walk along the dry creek bed. It was really neat to see all the rocks that were usually under water, and to get close to the tall banks where you could see how much the water had eroded them. There was a nice breeze and the leaves were falling from the trees. Karen said it sounded like rain, which was funny, cause thats what I always thought it sounded like too. We got to talk a lot and visit with the horses. The day went way too quickly. She even brought presents! She baked brownies and decorated them with pink icing, and brought toys for Annie and gave me a doggie scrapbook, that I had been wanting to get forever. It is so cool, the pages are ready for pictures and have little buttons and charms on them all ready. What a great friend.

Yesterday was my last day at work and it wasnt as hard as I thought until it was time to say "See Ya Later" to Karen. Up until that time, we were so busy with month end that I hardly had a second to think about it. Then Karen was ready to go and she kept saying that she wouldnt say "goodbye" because it was not goodbye, it was "see ya later". So that was really hard. But I do hope that we can keep our friendship going strong. Most times you say you will keep in touch and it never works out that way, but I think we are different. Hmmm, gotta go get dinner.

See Ya Later!! :)