Terrible, Horrible Day

Yes, it sounds like the title of some funny little kids book, but this has truly been one of the worst days of my life. I have not felt this bad and depressed in a long time and it has really got me down. Ruthie has died finally. After 3 days of wondering if she would survive and hoping, and trying so hard to help her, she has moved on. And tonight, while prepared for her death, we were not prepared to find Clara in much the same condition. She was laying in the mud, stuck, next to Ruth's lifeless body. What now? We got a rope around her and pulled her out of the mud, but we had to flip her to her other side to try to free her ( she weighs about 1/2 ton ) and then had to flip her back because we couldnt move her the other way. Then we got the rope around her two fromt legs and pulled her from the muck onto dry ground. Chip pulled with the tractor and I tried to hold her head up off the ground as we moved. We freed her and I stayed with her while Chip went for hay and she tried to get up but her front legs were sore. We got her some feed and by the time she was done eating she was able to stand again, so it is up to her to walk out of there and keep on going.

Trouble is , I dont know if I have the strength to keep going right now. I know I sound weak, but this is how I truly feel. Work today was entirely frustrating and stressful. My emerald ring broke. The toilet and bathtub are not working well. The vacuum is not working. All the light bulbs are burning out at once. We have been sick, the dogs have been sick. The cows are dying. I feel so out of control. I just dont have the strength to keep going. It is like being stuck in the mud ourselves and every time we try to get out, someone puts their foot on our head and pushes us down further.

I am so glad that Chip and I have each other. And also Karen. There are only three people in this whole world that I can pour my heart out to and trust with that: Chip, Karen and Raka. I miss Raka.

This is one of those days where I am really tempted to just bolt and run. Get in the car with the clothes on my back and go. Does anyone love me? Does anyone care?? Has someone placed some kind of curse on me? What have I done that would cause me to deserve such treatment? I have always tried to be a good person and live with love and kindness. I would never, ever deliberately try to hurt anyone, for any reason. All I want is to be happy and to make others happy and to live a peaceful life. I know that some people have it really rough, and that I really dont have any excuse to complain, but I am really down right now, and things just dont look brighter at this moment. I can see how people can be suicidal. What an awful, dark place it is.

So, in my gloom I am going to curl up under a blanket and cry. I know that tears are not going to change anything, not going to solve anything. You may think I am weak and childish. But I have no strength left to fight any longer. Rather than resist and push, it is time to relinquish power and just allow. Yeah, I have been reading Wayne Dyer.

So dear people, may the Universe bless you all with happiness and health and good fortune. And if possible, put in a good word for me would you?

Nuthin to Say

Well, just got done emailing Karen and I guess I told her everything that was on my mind, so now I have no desire to repeat it here in this blog. Hah. We went to a bathroom design place and got some specs on some neat fixtures. I hope we can get our new bathrooms done. Have been feeling punky the last few days. Anyway, thats all to say. Am feeling tired so I think I will go relax. Love to all and I hope everyone is happy and healthy.

Brandy

There is something to say about crying outside when it is 5 degrees out. Your nose is all red and runny anyway so no one knows, 'cept that the tears freeze to your cheeks. It has been two years since Brandy left us to continue her journey. The years have flown by and there are times that I still feel her presence here. She will always be loved and never be forgotten. Seems appropriate to reprint part of my poem to her, Fields of Gold:

But you go ahead
go along on your journey
follow your path
but dont ever forget me

and we will meet again, my friend
when destinies unfold
and together we will run again
upon the fields of gold.

Annie has not been feeling well and we took her to the vet today. I had begun to feel a sort of panic, worried sick about her but she is going to be fine. Matter of fact, she most likely got sick from the vets anyway, when she was in to be spayed two weeks ago. Well, as long as she is doing better, thats what matters. Last night Chip was saying that she was finding her way into his heart and , darn her anyway, he was falling in love with her. I feel the same. She is not Brandy, but she is Annie. She has identified herself in my heart. Sure, I will always love Brandy, and certainly, she is my once in a lifetime dog. But Annie is earning a distinction of her own. Its all good.

I am looking forward to Spring and being able to work in the garden. Since I didnt do much at all last year due to the drought, I would like to really have a nice garden and patio so we can enjoy the outdoors. It has been a rough month so far, weather wise, health wise and money wise. Seems like we are spending lots of money. I really need to get in shape again and that would help me to feel better. When it warms up maybe I can go walking at work and then again in the evenings with Annie and Chip.

There is so much I want to do, and at the moment I have very little energy. Yup, I am lazy. Maybe I can lose some weight and get a little more active and get more accomplished.

So happy anniversary, dear Bran. You will never be forgotten. Love with all my heart.

The Quest For Wisdom

Boy, it certainly is difficult to put your thoughts in writing. As I have mentioned several times, I have these ideas in my head and they seem brilliant, the words like symphanies, but when I go to write them down, phoosh!, they are gone. Maybe they are not meant to be voiced anyway.

It seems that I am realizing some sort of thing in myself that makes me feel calm and centered and wiser. I am actually rationalizing my emotions and telling myself that other people's behaviors cannot affect me if I dont allow them to. Yes, its hard not to get drawn into everyone elses little dramas, but it is a great feeling to know you have avoided them and are more grounded for it. The things "Suzy So-and -So" say to me in the spirit of meanness or aggression, dont affect me in the same way anymore. I realize that she is trying to enforce her own perceived authority and that she is grasping for some psychological reason of her own. Let her be. I am in control of my own thoughts and emotions ( I still need lots of work on that though) and no one has the power to upset me with their words unless I allow them to. It isnt too hard to realize what is going on if you calm your mind and listen to your soul. And of course you are going to meet with lots of opposition and resistance from your less enlightened peers. Because its fun to gossip and complain and its really hard not to join in to the fray and give a piece of your own mind. Ah, but that is my task. I try and fail often, but it is a great feeling when you can walk away from a conversation along those lines without contributing your own poison. If I realize and understand that each person has their own agenda and reasons for their beliefs and feelings, it is easier to know that it is not personal. If they snap at me or try to exert their superiority over me, it is not about me, rather it is their quest. Some will win, some will fail, some wont even care about it or realize that they have a choice. But if you treat me badly because you have a need to be better than me or in a higher or more favored position than me, that is your psyche driving you and has nothing really to do with me. I try not to allow my ego to interfere. This is hard sometimes because it is such a natural, ingrained instinct we are cultivated to believe in. But why , exactly do I need to be better than anyone else? Am I a better person if I have a better title at work, or more authority, or grew up in a better area or live in a nicer house? Does that really mean that I am greater, more loved by the Universe, better than you? No, of course not. We are all equal and we are all connected. You may be the owner of a business and be my boss, but that only means you have chosen a different path than I have, and for reasons of your own. I try not to judge people by their positions and possessions. You may think you are better because you drive a Mercedes, but are you any better of a soul than anyone else who must walk to work each day? It makes some people feel in control and better about themselves if they can belittle others and be the "alpha" figure. If that is what it takes to make them happy, so be it. But we do not have to allow them to make us feel less about our own self worth. Just let them have their ideas, and continue with your own. It is hard sometimes because your ego wants to fight back, to prove your won worth and greatness. Is this really necessary though? Does it make any difference if so and so thinks you are good? Or is it more important what you know about your own self. I have consciously chosen to try ( I emphasize "try") to block my ego from entering the equation. When so and so was announcing how great she is because of her riding ability and background I was really tempted to chime in and profess my own greatness as a way of competing with her, but I didnt (mostly because she wouldnt let anyone get a word in edgewise) and I feel better for it. Oh there I go ......

Love and patience to you all :)

Working For The Weekend

This was quite a week, really. This weekend is going to be very very cold and so I got lots of goodies at the store and some movies from the library and Netflix and hope we can get the cows and horses fed and bedded down and settle in ourselves for a lazy couple of days. Really looking forward to it. It seems like the best weekends are either the cold snowy or rainy ones, or the warm breezy spring ones where you can open all the windows and let in the fresh air and sunshine. It makes the house feel and smell so clean. Plus, I get to see Karen on Monday, which I am very excited about.

Have been reading that Wayne Dyer book and really can feel my attitude changing. Things really do change when you change the way you look at them. I have been able to be more patient and loving and accepting of others. And, where it used to really bother me about what others opinions are of me, now I can feel myself relaxing about that a bit and saying to myself, "Who cares? I am who I am and if they dont like it, tough". I really hope to be able to break through my blocks and become a better person. I hate how I am so sensitive and how I worry so much about wether or not others approve of me. You know, it doesnt matter, because I am happy with who I am. See how well this book is working on me? And I am not even a quarter way through it. If you get a chance, go check out this book "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life".

I love my laptop, but it is a little uncomfortable. I must sit funny with it and my back and hands get sore. But it is great to sit in the living room next to Chip and just type away. Much nicer than being all alone in the office. Maybe I will start to write.

So this is going to be a nice long weekend. I will get the house all cleaned up and we can relax and chill. Plus I want to read some more. It is really satisfying to read a good book and truly be able to apply it and enjoy it.

Well, heres wishing everyone a wonderful night!

Deep Thoughts

Here we are. I am reading a new book by Wayne Dyer and it is quite good. This one is called "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life". Funny because I saw it on the shelf at the library on a Friday and thought I ought to check it out but was in a hurry so I didnt . Then his show of the same name was on PBS on Sunday so I knew I had to read it. Now I think I will actually purchase the book as well. It is a good one to have for reference, one of those you will read again and again.

Work has been strange this week. I have learned a lot about people and their personalities. Sadly, the people have sucky personalities. One in particular is a cruel narcissist.

Its all about her. But there are some really interesting people too. Today the other Cindy, Anita and I were discussing the UFO sighting in Texas and got into a really interesting conversation about other phenomena. It was an exciting discussion and you could tell that we were all into it. It was nice to share and talk. Anyway, after reading this new book, I am feeling a little stronger about my own sense of self. I know that I dont need anyone elses approval to validate myself. Other peoples opinion of me is of no consequence to my life and happiness. If I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, that is all that I need to be concerned about. Its kind of hard too. Some issues from my childhood are trying to get my attention lately and I find myself becoming upset with my mother for pushing me and dominating me as a child. But in reality, she only did what she knew best, and I really dont believe that there was any malice involved. Admittedly, I am the person I am partly because she was the way she was. But that is all done and gone and we are in the here and now. I am in control of my life, my thoughts and actions.

Oh well, no good to hash over it now. She is not going to change. I can only change the way I react and the way I allow things to affect me. Anyway, people at work have got on my nerves this week and that is why I am reflecting on all of these issues now. And, I guess I need to shut up now.

Talked to Karen today and we have lunch plans for Monday. I can't wait to see her again. There is so much to talk about. I miss her so much and it is hard not to get to talk every day. As miserable as that place was, she made it bearable.

Hoping to go see In The Name of The King soon too. It is not getting very good reviews, but hey, Ron Perlman is in it and that is all that is important. Any bad movie with Ron Perlman in it is better than a good movie without him.

Love to all

Thinking of something to say

Seems like lately I have just not had the energy to blog. Its not that there is absolutely nothing going on in my life, just that I dont feel like writing anything. Which is good in a way because usually I write when I am sad, or feeling strongly about something and really life has been quite content lately. Plus for some reason I have been just too tired at the end of the day.

At work I have discovered that you can trust no one. This comes from someone telling me and another person something private, and the next day that other person told someone else, who then promptly told me not to believe what I had heard. SIGH. At least at Northgate, I knew that what was said between Karen and me stayed between us. She is like my lifeline. I truly believe that I could pour out my soul to her and she would protect it with all her heart. No matter how bad work was, we had each other. Now I am stuck knowing for certain that I have to be very careful what I say to anyone else my words get twisted and misused.

I will be getting a 3% raise in a few months. It seems that each year we all get the same raise. This means we all get one regardless of how good we do or how badly we do at our jobs. In a way this sucks, because I was always working extra hard to get noticed and appreciated and really here that wont make any difference. If my paycheck isnt going to be rewarded for my hard work, then it doesnt seem quite worth killing myself to be the best. And on the other hand, it is really good for me because I can learn to chill out and not give so much of myself. Save some of myself for Chip and home. Of course, I will still do my best because that is part of my personality, but I dont have to be so obsessed with it or about what others think of me. Hell, this may be the perfect job.

I find I am liking Amy best of all my coworkers. She is upbeat and kind of a trouble maker. She makes me laugh sometimes, where the others are just so doom and gloom. But it is not the same as me and Karen. She is the only person I can share all of my thoughts with. I never have to be reserved with her, or worry that what I say will get into the wrong ears. And I miss our burping!

Annie got spayed on Thursday and she has fully recovered now. She was a bit groggy and sick on Thursday and sleepy on Friday, but today she is flying around the house and playing just like normal. What a sweetie. I wonder if Brandy is in there somewhere after all?

In The Name of The King is out in theaters today. I really want to go. Ron Perlman on the big screen, Yay! We will see. I cleaned the house all day today, and did the farm tax prep. So I am really tired and just want to sit and read a little. I was even too tired to blog last night. But with my laptop running again I really hope to get in more writing time.

Thats the other thing... at work, even if you take on a new position, your salary is the same, so why even take on more responsibility? I dont want to sound like I am copping out or anything, just that there is not much incentive to do well or widen your horizons if you are not going to get anything extra. The only reason to do well is for your own personal satisfaction. This should really take a load off. Oh, but I already mentioned that a few paragraphs ago.

Well, I think I have earned a few minutes on the couch.

Love, Peace, Health and Happiness to all.

This Witch Was Insane!

Yeah, well I toned it down a little for my more sensitive readers :) Heres the story..
Wednesday this secretary from a lawyers office ( I have half a mind to actually identify her and post her phone number ) calls and she is all hot and bothered saying that on Friday ( before the New Year long holiday weekend) her runner stopped by with a motion to be checked and that we told her that we absolutely refuse to check it because we are so backed up with the holidays. Well, first of all that did not happen because there were only three of us all day and I know no one told her that. So then she started grumbling about how unconstitutional it is for us to require her to have the motion be checked, she should just be able to file it. Well, too bad for her. Court rules and all. So she huffs and puffs and keeps trying to bully me on the phone and "J" was sitting right there next to me so I was relaying everything this psycho said to her. And J was telling me what to tell the woman. I reiterated the rules several times and she proceeded to tell me that those rules are "total crap" and just "who made up these rules!?" And I told her the judge did. That didnt really stop her much, and she continued her tirade at me , asking " well in your opinion, dont YOU think these rules are stupid" And I told her that no, those were the rules. And she kept badgering me to tell her what my opinion was, not what I was just supposed to tell her and I said again that no, they are the rules and I am just doing my job. I mean, what did she expect? Was I supposed to appease her by saying that the rules were dumb? Hell, thats my job there. After a bit I again told her what she needed to do to get her motion checked and got her number and told her that J would give her a call and discuss it. Well, J didnt have time to call that day ( it was almost time to close when witchy woman called) and to tell you the truth, I forgot all about it the next day. So I am going about my business and another runner calls asking if the moiton in question is ready to pick up. I looked in the system and saw that it had not yet been checked and told her so and she informed me that someone had called (witchy woman) at 5:00 the night before and told her that it was taken care of and ready to file. So I am all confused and think that maybe J took care of it and I asked her and she said no, she didnt call anyone nor did she do anything with the motion. Then when I tried to find the paperwork, it was missing (the plot thickens). So we go on a mad scrambe to try to find the paperwork that is lost and think, Oh God, this is not going to make (witchy woman) happy. The runner comes in, we tell her whats goin on and J asks for another copy of it to get faxed so she will take care of it. So runner gets on the phone with WW and they go at it and J gives instructions as to what needs done and WW is going to fax the papers to us. A few minutes later I get a call from - guess who?? Oh yeah, WW herself. "oh, Cindy" she says " you called me last night and told me you had taken care of that motion and had filed it for me. Dont you remember?" And I said no, I did not call her and tell her that. So she said louder and meaner " Do you mean to tell me that you are saying that you DIDNT call me last night and tell me ....." And I said "No, I DID NOT call you last night. She said "I DISAGREE" and called me a lier!!!!! Aughhhhhh!!!!! At that same moment the attorney herself got on speakerphone and started in on me. OHHH NOOO!! No way! So I told them they could just hold and I would let them speak to my supervisor. So J gets on the phone and starts fighting with them and they are calling me liar and all kinds of things. ( BAD Karma, Bad, bad Karma) And J is sticking up for me and finally she gets tired of their crap and tries to give them to her supervisor but they would have none of that so she just put them on hold. I was furious, and pacing because J was in my chair so she said "Cindy! take a walk" and I walked out of the office and tromped arouns the hall wher one of the magistrates asked what was up and I told him and he was very sympathetic. I was just coming back when J walked out of her office and said, "come on, lets take a walk" She was so furious herself that she needed to blow off some steam too. So what happened is she got tired of the abuse from these nut jobs and gave the phone to Judge. Well, Judge let them have it big time, and on the record too. ( I want a copy of that recording ) She and J totally defended me and she let these people know that in no uncertain terms are they to EVER treat one of her staff that way. Phew. SO I was truly vindicated and now looking back it is all quite amusing, but I was really offended that this witch was questioning my integrity. But it all woarked out in my favor and I am really glad that they stuck up for me. Being new it would be easy for them to not believe me, but that shows that they do. I know, I know, no big deal. But at the time I could have throttled that psycho witch.

And other than that, the week was ok. My laundry room is totally redone and looks great. It feels so nice in there now when I do laundry.

And we got a sleep number bed. It was delivered on New Years Day. It is really nice and comfy and today for the first time n a long time I woke up early and was actually thinking about getting up and exercising. But I went back to sleep anyway :)

So that is all the boring news I have for today. I hope my power cord for my laptop comes in so I can use it again. Hope all of you had a great New Years and are having a wonderful week. Lotsa love to all.