Under Pressure

Quite a day it has been today. What with fighting with the doctors office to get my billing papers filled out correctly and all the other stressors in my world. Mom and Dad need to get moving and sell their house. Prudy and Mike need a van and a house. The animals are so demanding and needy. The weather sucks. Need I say more? I feel as if I am spinning out of control at times. One good thing... my friends at work. They are being really sweet and supportive. And of course Chip is on my side. I told Karen today that I feel like just getting in the car and driving and not looking back. Aughhhhh! But this too shall pass. The weather will change and we will be able to go out and walk the place and dig in the earth. That will certainly calm my soul. Nothing is better than walking in the woods, amongst the cows, alone with nature.There, I am in my element. It is just me and nature- the wind, grass and trees. Alone with my thoughts. The pureness of it all lightens my heart, and soon I will be back to normal.

Still struggling with the puppy thing, but Karen is helping me through it. She understands exactly how I feel. It is amazing. I felt bad today because I had absolutely nothing to do and Karen was swamped, and I really couldn't help her. Then when she did get some work that I could help her with, Kathy asked me to do a project. The only thing I hate more than having too much to do is having nothing to do.

Been thinking a lot about Raka lately. I miss our daily e-mails, but our weekly live chats are really fun. And we keep up with each others lives through our blogs. Strangely, Chip and I were talking about getting a small daybed for the office and if we do that then there would be a place for Raka to stay if she came to visit. Wouldn't that be great? I think it is so amazing that we have become so close, and yet are thousands of miles away, and from different cultures and generations. We can learn so much from one another. And I feel so protective of her, my little sister, my friend. I desire only the best for her in life. A wonderful education, terrific relationships, fantastic adventures. I thank God every day that I had the courage to put a comment on her blog that day, and that she answered it. It is hard to believe that I actually reached out and took that chance, considering my shyness and the scars of the past.But I am so glad I did, because in Raka I have found a true soul mate.

I have another idea for a book! I will have to write it down in my notebook. Now if only I can find some time to write. Karen has given me some great material to work with. And I kind of think that if I could ask any two people for their opinions, that Karen and Raka would be the ones I want to share my work with. Its like this blog. It is so personal, but I am putting it out there for anyone to read. When I write, I am terrified that people will not enjoy my work, will ridicule me. But my writing is really for myself, and anyone who happens upon it and enjoys it is just a bonus. I would love to write my stories and try to get them published, but lack the confidence to get them out there. Ah, well. Just like everything else, if it is meant to be, it will be.I think I have been pushing myself too much lately, and need to just sit back and relax and let things come to me.

Tomorrow is Ron Perlman's birthday. Happy Birthday Ron!! I wish you health, happiness and much success in the coming year. May you be surrounded by friends and loved ones and have all the things you desire.

I am looking at a picture of Brandy laying in the back yard. It is a polaroid, and the way the sun was shining, the grass looks all golden - the same color as her. Ah, my golden girl in fields of gold.Someday, old friend, someday....

will my heart ever heal?
Will I ever be able to love another?
not in the same way, ever
but in some other?

will you send me a sign?
let me know you're allright
show me that our special bond
still holds us tight

but you go ahead
go along on your journey
follow your path
but dont ever forget me

we'll meet again somewhere, someday
of this, I'm sure and bold
and together we will run again
upon the fields of gold

To all my new friends, and the special old ones. God bless you all.